sexual positions and emotional investment

SEXUAL POSITIONS AND EMOTIONAL INVESTMENT FREE

A disconnect begins to emerge between the more primal elements of sexuality and the tenderness we feel toward them.

When we connect with someone as a long-term or life partner, Laeta said, we often take on a more nurturing role in their lives. When TLC becomes a problemĪnya Laeta encounters many long-term couples struggling to rekindle sparks in her work as a San Francisco somatic sex therapist-a school of therapy that addresses the embodied experience of sexuality. For many, intimacy only deepens their sexual connection with their partner, and they may feel no need to carve out more space between each other.īut if you and your partner, like the couples Perel describes in her book, have found that your erotic life is wilting as every other aspect of your love blooms, cultivating separateness might be key to getting your sex life back on track. Of course, for most couples, closeness is the exact point of starting a romantic relationship in the first place. 'Then there is nothing more to transcend, no bridge to walk on, no one to visit on the other side, no other internal world to enter,' Perel writes. But when two become one-when that alluring stranger becomes close enough to feel a part of yourself-the novelty and intrigue of the other is replaced by the familiarity of the self. The erotic thrill of a new sexual relationship comes from connecting with an entity distinct from ourselves-an 'other,' as Perel puts it. When two become one, the novelty and intrigue of the other is replaced by the familiarity of the self. They've nurtured each other's need for connection but neglected a critical part of their sexuality: the need for separateness and autonomy. They communicate openly, and cuddle and kiss each other constantly-but they've stopped having sex.įor these lovers, the cooling-off doesn't just happen in spite of their developing intimacy, Perel writes, but because of it. The couples Perel describes in her book have cultivated intense emotional and physical bonds over the course of their relationship. She describes encountering a 'puzzling inverse correlation' between closeness and sexual desire in certain couples.

In her international bestseller ' Mating in Captivity,' psychotherapist Esther Perel examines why sexual desire diminishes in certain long-term domestic relationships, even as nonsexual intimacy flourishes. So what is to blame when couples say they feel more like best friends or roommates than lovers? Are they simply getting bored of sex with the same person, or could the closeness they've cultivated over the years itself be the culprit? Cultivating loving separateness

SEXUAL POSITIONS AND EMOTIONAL INVESTMENT FREE

They're having less sex-or no sex at all-though they cuddle often, spend every free moment together and love each other more than ever. And for many couples, it does.īut some long-term couples report stagnation in their sex lives, even as their sense of nonsexual intimacy grows stronger. Gentle, automatic touches, the secret shared language of baby talk and pet names, unwavering emotional support-all of these are signs of a loving closeness that we feel should fuel desire.

In the conventional model of love, sexual desire and nonsexual intimacy go hand in hand.

Sexual positions and emotional investment